


That Makes Two Moon Babies

by Anonymous



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Do Not Read If Sensitive To These Topics, Gender Dysphoria, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Sazed is not a good person in this, Trans Taako (The Adventure Zone), Underage Drinking, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-10-24 04:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10734411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The egg is in pieces, a half-formed chick floating on the top.(Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god. What is he going to do?)





	1. Oh Shit (Minus Sweet Flips)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mind the warnings. This story was written more or less as a vent fic to purge some unwanted feelings. Comments and Critique are greatly appreciated and will always be replied to.

The Bureau of Balance collectively rose as the moon turned and sunlight graced the domes once again. The early risers had already taken their showers and gotten their morning coffees while the night owls were all still asleep... All except one. The Lead Reclaimer of the Bureau Balance, Taako, was starting his day uncharacteristically early and kneeling over the can for the fourth day in a row.

“Ugh... no more stealing Mags’ leftovers. That guy will eat any sort of garbage... _damn humans and their cast iron stomachs._ ” Taako rinses the taste of vomit out of his mouth before heading to the kitchen and munching on the leftovers of whatever Magnus ate to carbo-load before his morning jog with Avi.

“Hmm...” Taako lazily picks apart the breakfast, drinking from the half empty coffee mug Magnus left behind (Carey made it at the Chug N’ Squeeze. It was shaped like a tree stump with a curved Railsplitter as the handle). “Let’s see... oatmeal and apples... toast and jam...pancakes- God, no butter or syrup? Mags is a madman, I tell you.” He grumbles to himself as he nabs Merle’s stepladder and gets Magnus’s hidden bottle of huckleberry syrup off the top shelf. “Shit, we got any ice cream? God, I’m craving ice cream like a mofo. And steak. Or beef. Any kind of beef.”

After getting halfway through Magnus’s garbage breakfast (drowning everything in syrup bumped it up to a 6/10) and dumping it in the trash Taako began to rummage through the freezer for steak and ice cream. “He won’t miss this...” Taako takes one of Merle’s venison steaks and begins to heat up a frying pan, idly eating ice cream all the while-

And suddenly drops the spoon when a thought hit him like a freight train: Morning sickness. Cravings. Kravitz’s increasingly frequent overnight stays.

“Nooooo... no way. Naw- not happening. Nope. No way. Not- no- not real. Not happening. Shit- shit shit shit shit shit...” Taako runs to his personal bathroom without thinking and slams the door, stripping as fast as he can and staring at himself in the mirror desperately.

“It’s impossible, right?. This can’t be real.  This can't be happening. Can’t...” Taako ran back to his room without bothering to get dressed (he felt so disgusted just looking at his bare arms. This body was disgusting, what it was doing was disgusting), frantically searching for a medical spellbook he’d nabbed from Fantasy Costco. The sections on antidotes and poisons were heavily thumbed and dog-eared for easy access, but every other section was untouched until today.

“...Shallow bowl... three drops of blood, urine, one egg... easy enough.” Taako didn't bother writing down the recipe, ripping the page out of the book before getting dressed in the baggiest, most modest clothes he owned and beelining to the kitchen to gather the ingredients. Once everything was set up in the bathroom, Taako began to work on getting the final, vital ingredient; chugging as much water as he could and waiting.

“Huff... c’mon, I didn’t even take my morning piss I should be exploding right now!” Taako groans and throws back another glass, dreading what lay ahead.

Soon enough, the final ingredient was gathered and the elf set a half-full bowl on the bathroom floor. Taako didn’t even feel like he was in his own body anymore as he cut his calf and let three drops of blood drip into the cloudy liquid. As soon as the wound is bandaged (He wonders why he even bandaged it. This body deserved to be hurt for what it was doing to him) Taako re-read the instructions, holding the egg over the mug.

“If egg remains whole, no baby. Egg hatches, you’ve got a baby...” He looks from the page to the mug, taking a deep breath. Just reading those words felt wrong. Trying to attach them to his own body felt wrong. His body... it wouldn't do this, right? Hell, it couldn't! ...Right?

“Alright. Let’s do this.” Taako lets go of the egg and squeezes his eyes shut tightly, his heart jumping into his throat as he heard a _plop._ Fear and dread clung to Taako’s skin in a thick cloud as he sat there. He didn’t want to look. Maybe he could just walk out of the room now and tell himself the egg was whole like before.

(A long time ago he did this exact same test in the back of a wagon. If it hadn’t been whole Taako would have no idea where he’d be. The man he was shacked up with was a pretty shitty baby daddy.)

Taako takes a few long, deep breaths to steady himself, counting down from ten dozens of times before he finally forces his eyes open and stares into the bowl.

 

The egg is in pieces, a half-formed chick floating on the top.

 


	2. This Is The Worst Joke I've Ever Heard (And I'm The Worst One You'll Ever See)

The world felt like it was swiftly turning 90 degrees. Taako was sure the test was wrong. It had to be, right? There has to be a mistake. Kravitz was… well, Kravitz. And Taako was… well, Taako.

“Yeah… It’s gotta be wrong. I bet the damn thing’s rigged to make dumb peasent ladies happy. Yeah. Uh… shit. Yeah, that’s it. It’s rigged.” Taako keeps muttering that phrase to himself as he runs back to his room, flipping through his lone medical spellbook for more fertility tests. “Why does every single one of these require like a gallon of piss? How the fuck am I gonna make this much?” (It was all so disgusting. This body was disgusting, these thoughts were disgusting he hates it so much he wants to get out of this body and away from this ugly prison.)

Nevertheless, Taako tears out the pages (and a page on mending ripped pages) and gets to work, checking that Merle was still dead asleep before raiding the kitchen for bits and pieces for every single pregnancy test that had been invented by peasants and royals alike for thousands of years. 

 

* * *

 

Within the hour, Taako has made a nice mess of the kitchen, the common room, his own bedroom, and his bathroom… And every test, no matter what the wizard tries, comes out positive.

“This is bullshit, right? This is _bullshit_! He’s undead of all things! And I’m not even-” Taako clutches his head, tugging on fistfuls of unwashed hair. “This... this shouldn’t be possible. This has got to be worst cosmic joke ever or something! God... Fuck, I’m calling Istus this has got to be the worst string of fate she’s ever knit.”

The comfort of denial is long gone now and Taako feels... exposed. It’s like his skin has been ripped off and he’s been tossed into an icy wind. He’s fucked up. Taako fucked up really bad, and it felt like it could only get worse no matter what direction he went in.

 _What will he tell Kravitz?_ Will _he tell_ _Kravitz? What will he tell Magnus and Merle?! Will he even tell them? Can he tell_ anyone _?!_ _Will he get kicked out of the Bureau? Can he hide planetside until this all blew over_? So many questions ran through his head he felt his mind turning to static as he curls up on the floor, riding out the high of anxiety...

 

* * *

 

After the initial shock peaks and crashes and the smell of piss gets overwhelming the elf begins to clean up the bathroom, gagging and complaining the entire time. (Taako only manages to clean for an average of three minutes before obsessively washing his hands and swearing. He can't stand getting filth on this already dirty body.) The second he finishes up he throws the torn pages on top of the ravished book, swearing to mend it later.

Magnus is in the common room, bent over the coffee table and carving up a chunk of wood. Taako doesn’t pay him much mind, tossing out a quick ‘hey dipshit’ over his shoulder before sneaking to the library. He has a damn reputation to maintain, and that reputation is that Taako doesn’t read anything but the bare wizardly minimum.

He burns almost all of his spell slots to sneak in, casting Invisibility and Glamour and Prestidigitation left and right. The few mid-morning patrons of the library see nothing of him but gusts of wind and a few anxiety inducing thuds as he bumps into carts and shelves. Once in the medical section, Taako Mage Hand’s the books he wants off the shelves and begins flipping through them as fast possible, slowly sliding them back into place to cover his tracks. Most of the books are garbage, but one lone book turned out to be a holy grail, detailing elven reproduction and unusual cases throughout history. Taako slips it under his tunic, sneaking out of the library on tiptoe and all the way back to the Tres Horny Boys suite.

Taako is just as curt coming back, not saying a word to the now two occupants of the living room as he beelines for his bedroom for the second time that day. Once behind the safety and privacy of a locked door, Taako yanks the book out from under his tunic, planting his ass on the nearest horizontal surface (the floor, in this instance) and reading with a vigor he hadn’t had since his Aunt gifted him his first cookbook.

The entire thing looks handwritten in a neat, cold script, with dozens of highly detailed diagrams that make Taako’s skin crawl. He’s never felt this dysphoric before in his life. He wants to scream, he wants to claw the skin off his arms, he wants to grab a knife and carve off every part of his body that he hated until all he was left with was an empty shell. He just... didn’t want this to happen. Just thinking about it makes Taako want the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Thinking about the long road ahead, of hiding a body he loves to flaunt and lying to the one person he trusted most in the world and the pain of getting rid of this thing (if he even makes it that far).

So he doesn't think about it. Taako shoves the book under his bed before grabbing his Umbra Staff and leaving to do- Anything, really. Until he hears the telltale sound of reality being ripped by a reaper’s bare hands and knitting itself back together behind him.

“Fuck...”

Standing in the middle of the wizard’s pig sty of a room is the most handsome grim reaper in all the planes. “Taako! I've been trying to call you all day. You weren't picking up and we were talking about a date night soon so I got worried- well... impatient and I came here and...”

He notices how Taako hasn’t been looking at him, but at a book haphazardly shoved under the bed. “Taako? Are you listening to me? What’s going on?”

For a few seconds Taako is dead silent, looking anywhere but at Kravitz until his eyes stick to a certain point on the floor.

“Get out.”

  
“Wh- what? Taako, I just-”

“Get out! I didn't say you could be here! You broke into my room without my permission! Get out!” He screams at the other, jabbing his umbrella toward him. “Go away!”

Kravitz puts his hands up defensively and backs away. “Taako, can’t we talk?!”

“Get out! _Now!”_ His voice cracks as he speaks, eyes starting to ache as he pushes the reaper away. "Get out of my face!” He reaches for something to throw at the Reaper. His hand wraps around something smooth an heavy and he holds it up, tossing it at Kravitz only for the other to disappear into a rip, the Stone of Farspeech sailing right into Taako’s vanity and shattering the mirror.

“Oh shit!” Taako watches the pieces of glass and his now shattered Stone of Farspeech rain down.

“What the hell is going on in there?!” Magnus yells, permeating the wood of the door. A few seconds later there’s a knock and the handle jingles. “Taako? What happened?”

“Leave me alone!” Taako burns his final slot casting Silence on the door and collapses onto the bed face down, clutching his pillow as tightly as he can.

 


	3. I Don't Wanna Think About It (I Say As I Think About It)

When Taako finally crawls out of bed hours later he feels worse than before, spittle smeared all over his face while his head feels like it was stuffed with cotton. As soon as he manages to roll out of bed and into the common room he finds it dead silent and all the lights off. “Shit... guess I was out for a  while...”

The wizard flips on just enough lights to make a small dinner, the encounter with Kravitz replaying in his head over and over. He’d been such an ass to Kravitz and all the other wanted to do was _talk_.

He thought he should apologize.

He nearly drops the pan.

“Fuck’s happening to me? _Me_? Apologize?! God... kid’s already fucking with me and it’s not even here yet... Just came on the scene and it thinks it owns the place. There's a pecking order 'round here, hotshot...” Taako focuses on the steak he was pan searing as intensely as he can, trying not to think about the crushing guilt in the back of his head. God damn it, he was going to have to _do_ something about that, wasn’t he?

That could wait. Right now he had a steak (Merle’s, of course) to pan sear to perfection. And once it’s perfectly seared... he starts thinking about it again. His damn Stone was shattered so he couldn’t call- Unless he ‘borrowed’ someone else’s stone...

  
He creeps into Merle’s room, the dwarf snoring loud enough to rattle the pill bottles on the nightstand. His Stone of Farspeech nestled in a mini forest of prescriptions and the door closes with a creak that nearly makes Taako jump out of his skin. The rest of the elf’s journey to his room is done on tiptoe, every little creak and groan suddenly sounding like a siren going off as he picked his way to safety.

As soon as Taako reaches his own room he slams the door and locks it, stealth be damned. “C’mon... c’mon- yes!” He fiddled with the stone, trying to remember Kravitz’s frequency. For several minutes there was nothing but static and muttered curses as Taako moved around the room trying to get a better signal. And then-

“Krrrr-erle? What’re you-krrrrrr-alling this late at ni-krrrrr? For the last time I don’t know what’s going o-krrrrrrrr-ko!”

“Babe!”

“Taako?” The reaper says, the Stone picking up nothing but the sound of heavy winds for several seconds. “Taako, it’s nice to hear from you at last. Magnus and Merle-”

“What _about_ those assholes?” Taako flops onto his bed, holding the Stone above him.

“They’ve been calling me all day. They’re... actually pretty worried about you, Taako. They said you ran to the library and then skipped training? What’re you three training for, anyway?” There’s nothing but dead air on the other side. “Taako? Dear? Are you there?”

The Stone slips from the wizard’s hand in shock and smacks him right on the nose. “FUCK!” He shoots up, hands clapped over his nose and groaning in pain. “Those assholes... ‘M fine, Krav. Just did some stupid shit ‘gain.”

“...Did you drop your Stone on your face again?” Kravtiz asks.

“ _Right_ on my damned nose, too.” Taako casts a slapdash healing spell and picks the Stone back up. “So... what’re those two fucknuggets calling about?”

“They’re just... worried. They said you haven’t left your room all day and no one’s been able to contact your Stone.”

“Yeeeeaaaah... about that....”

“You broke it, didn’t you?”

“Hey! Technically _you_ broke it since I was throwing it at you.” Taako interjects.

“Of course, dear.” There’s the sound of a rip on the other side of the line, and the background noise of wind is traded for the noise of the Reaper’s footsteps echoing off empty walls. “Let’s subtract Stones from this conversation altogether, shall we? I’ll be off in ten minutes, I just have to do some paperwork on this bounty.”

“See you soon, babe.”

“See you soon.”

They both end the call and Taako drops the stone again, ice cold dread crawling up his back. Shit. Shit shit shit shit **_shit_ ** . He’d have to tell Kravitz _everything_ . He knew something was up, and there was no way in all the planes Kravitz would leave until he got the truth... Taako had ten minutes to think of what to say. A grand lie. An over-the-top truth. _Anything._

After all, if you’re going to town might as well go in a Lincoln.

 

* * *

 

Ten minutes later on the dot, there’s the familiar sound of ripping, and Kravitz walks out as impeccably dressed and as handsome as ever, a bottle of red wine in hand. “Taako, darling, I’m so glad to see you aga-”

“Sup, hot stuff? I’m having a baby and the baby is yours.”

Kravitz’s skin (and grip) disappears in a whoosh. And the carpet is ruined.

 


	4. Having A Conversation, You Know, Like Mature Adults

“...” The Reaper was still skinless and wide eye(socket)d, staring at the carpet as Taako cleaned up the growing amounts of broken glass with a Mage Hand and a neglected broom and dustpan.

“So... are you gonna say anything soon or didja get a new gig as a mime?”

“H-how... how is this even possible?” Kravitz slowly let his skin knit itself back over his bones.

“If I knew do you think I’d be standing here, cleaning up the broken glass like some housewife?” His sentence was punctuated by the sound of glass tumbling into the trashcan.

“I don’t know! Maybe!? I just- this is some weird shit...”

“We met in a sad madman's floating space lab when I was trying to tentacle your dick and you were a crystal golem.”

“Point taken, still... My Lady. This is- this is something else, huh?”

“ _This_ is somethin’ else.” Taako gestured to himself.

“Again, point taken. I just- well... I’ve never stuck around long enough for this to happen.”

“Kravitz the handsome grim reaper has had one night stands?” Taako fakes a scandalized gasp.

“No, but I’ve never been with a mortal -or even been on your mortal plane long enough-for this to become a concern. I-”

“I stole your V-card?” Taako glows with pride as he says it. ”Ha! I knew it! I’ve corrupted the most handsome reaper in all the planes!”

“I-” The reaper huffs. “I don’t waste time on this plane chatting up the locals, alright? It’s my job to reap souls and go back to the Astral Plane to do the paperwork. I didn’t even know this could happen. Do you honestly think I would’ve been so reckless if I’d know I could impregnate you?”

Taako subtly winces when Kravitz says the ‘p’ word and the reaper notices instantly. (That word used to drip out of the slimiest mouth this side of Faerun and get wrapped around his throat like a noose. Stains like that didn’t wash out of a word easily.)

“Er... fuck, maybe, I don’t know.” Taako waved his hand dismissively. “We’re both young and dumb.”

Kravitz raises an eyebrow.

“We’re both _dumb_ at the very least. It was kind of inevitable with how often we- I mean, I didn’t expect this to be physically possible but I guess it is now! Is there a secret reaper fertility thing you forgot to mention?”

“Not that I know of? My Lady and her servants’ domain is death, not life. This is sort of the opposite of what we do. This is way out of my field. And pay grade.”

“You don’t have jack shit to buy in the astral plane. What does mommy black bird even pay you in? Head pats and forehead kisses?” Taako smirks, leaning towards Kravitz.

“Well, the more efficient reapers we are the more recognition we get from The Raven Queen and our peer-"

“I knew it! You’re just reaping to impress your undead god mom!”

Kravitz’s cheeks flush red. “It’s not _just_ that! It’s extremely important to recapture necromancers and other escapees from the Astral Plane! If they’re allowed to run amok they can-”

“Yoooooou’re just impressing your mom. Are you the very best reaper? Does she pat your head like a dog? Does she call you her ‘precious widdle weaper of souls’?” Taako grins and cups his cheeks, making ridiculous kissy faces.

“I-” Kravitz is deep red now. “I- That’s not true! You’re just getting off topic! And dammit, Taako, _I’m getting right back on it_!”

Taako’s reaction is instantaneous. He visibly jumps and takes a step away from his boyfriend, holding the broom across his chest and looking at the other with wide, fearful eyes.

And Kravitz instantly knows he’s fucked up. His tone softens and he holds out his hands. “Taako... Oh no, I- I’m so sorry I raised my voice like that it’s just- Lady, this- this is it, isn’t it? The most serious conversation we’ve ever had to have and-” He sighs. “We really need to talk about this. Like mature adults.”

“Yeah.” Taako says, voice dry and clipped. He sits on the bed, back pressed to the banister to allow Kravitz to do the same.

“Listen... I know a way to take care of this. It’s quick, it’s easy, we’ll be in and out in-”

“No!” Taako snaps.

“I’m- I’m sorry, what?” Kravitz looks at Taako like he sprouted a second head.

“I mean...” Taako knew Kravitz would never deliberately use that tone of once to scare him, but they’re skating so close to bad memories he can’t help but be scared. “I mean... I honestly thought about it. About how we can just turn this day into a bad memory and go buy so many bulk condoms Fantasy Costco thinks it’s just another gag but-” He waits for the other to interrupt him. He waits for the nightmare scenario and for Kravitz to stand up and scream and demand and command and _turn into a monster just like **him**..._

But Kravitz is still Kravitz. He’s listening intently, eyes soft and lips relaxed, not curled back in a snarl or pressed in a thin, disappointing line. He comes closer and takes Taako’s hand in his own, looking into the other’s eyes as he speaks.

“Taako, if this is what you really want... If you’re not just doing it because you think I or anyone else expects it of you, I will be there and I will support you every step of the way.”

He ends up giving Kravitz a blank stare.

“Takko?"

“God, I love you.” He practically launches himself at Kravitz, pulling him into a hug. “I really want this. I know going through with all this baby-shit is gonna hurt and suck and all that razz, but you make it worth it, Krav. Sure, I’m a greedy airhead with has no business breeding but I’m not the first fuckup to squeeze one out- God knows that’s true! But... you make me want to do better. I don’t care if I have to tell the whole world so it can whip my ass into shape every time I so much as exhale wrong. I want this. I want to do good by you and this... thing. Besides, this place pays me so much if I save up by the time it disbands we’ll be able to sit pretty in some costal place and never work again.”

  
“But you _hate_ saving.”

  
“Exactly! But for you two I’ll learn!”

  
“I honestly hope you’re sure about this, Taako."

 


	5. If You're Dead Company Policy Says We Have To Remove You In Three Days

Taako wasn’t sure about this.

He’s been trapped in his own room for three days now. He couldn’t go to training and risk an injury (or getting in the eyesight of anyone particularly observant), so he fakes an illness and for once he’s feeling self-conscious. He feels guilty just sneaking into the kitchen for a snack. He knows he shouldn’t be here, hiding away from the world and yet here he is. Taako doesn’t know how he’s going to fake this for the better part of a _year_.

The wizard is sprawled over his bed and reading that stupid medical book again (his skin still crawls every time he opens the damn thing) when he hears a knock.

“Taako? Are you in there?”

Oh fuck, it's Magnus. Mr.Actually-Concerned-About-His-Friends-And-Won't-Take-No-For-An-Answer. Taako considers staying silent in hopes that the other would get the message and leave.

“If you’re dead Bureau policy says we have to remove the body in three days and I have a lock picking kit.”

Fuck.

“I’m alive! Hell, I'm _full_ of life!” Taako hides the book under his pillow and shoots up, scrambling to and whipping open the door in record time. “What do you want?”

“Well...” Magnus purses his lips and puts on those stupid watery puppy dog eyes that always get him the last steak at supper. “I’m worried about you.”

“Why?”

“' _Why'?_ You’ve been MIA for three days straight! The last time I saw you, you called me a dipshit and Merle’s stone disappeared-”

“Oh!” Taako slams the door and grabs Merle’s Stone of Farspeech from under a pile of crap (a couple of kids kept prank calling the old fart and calling him ‘dad’).

He yanks open the door again and shoves the stone towards Magnus’ chest. “Here you go! Now-”

He tries to slam the door shut again but Magnus grabs it with an iron grip, forcing the door to crack open a few more inches. “Taak-”

Taako gasps and visibly recoils from Magnus, heart jumping in his throat and an all too common mix of fear and anticipation on his face. Magnus instantly lets go of the door and holds his hands out to show he meant no harm (a pose he’d often done when his burliness reminded someone of another, much less kind man). “Wait- Taako. I didn’t mean to come off like that-”

It takes Magnus a few seconds to realize he’d done that dozens of times around other people, but never Taako. “...Is everything alright?”

“No! You tried to break into my goddamned room!” He’s still shaking, but his grit teeth and curled up fists might be enough to hide it.

“I didn’t mean to! And- shit, I wasn’t asking about that. Are you alright?” Magnus pauses. This wasn’t an easy question to ask, yet one he was often forced to ask by circumstance. (He once had to have a very long chat with one of the cafeteria workers just so they didn’t end up hiding and sobbing every time he came in for lunch.) “Is... Is Kravitz hurting you?” The look on Taako’s face tells him everything: No, and how dare you.

"No! Fuck no! Krav- Kravitz is the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me! He’d never hurt me! Do you honestly think that I, Taako, a level eight wizard, am so weak I’d actually let someone push me around like that?!” He glares at Magnus with all the anger he can muster.

There's a long period of silence before Magnus surrenders.

“Alright.” He knows there’s something else going on here, but now’s not the time to pry. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He wants to say one more thing, but his mental filters are blocking it as thoroughly as they can. “Bye.” He steps back and the door slaps right in his face, the frantic sound of clicking locks not far behind.

Something’s up. But a man like Magnus is the exact opposite of what this mystery needs. Time to call in a detective.

A very approachable, young, and cute detective.

* * *

 “Thank you for taking me out to lunch, sir! But this isn’t out of the kindness of your heart, is it?” Angus stuck another bite of steak in his mouth.

“In some circles, this is called ‘buttering up’.” Magnus takes a sip of a very cheap beer (Angus, now eleven, could probably steer a bubblecraft blindfolded and with nothing but his pinky toes. And Magnus sorely needed a drink.)

“You don’t need to butter me up just to ask me to solve a case, sir. Or... try to pass me gold in an isolated hallway like Merle does. He makes me look like a drug dealer.”

“I think Merle is a drug dealer.”

“Sir. If you’re asking me to solve that ‘mystery’-”

“Oh no! This is completely different. It’s a bit... invasive, too?”"

I’ve spied on plenty of people before.You don’t have to ‘butter me up’, sir.” Angus said plainly, and Magnus blanched, wondering what dumb shit he’d done that Angus could’ve seen.

"Uh... I’ll keep that in mind.” He takes a drink. “So... I need you to spy on someone special.”

“I’m not allowed to spy on The Director.”

“Not her! Wait... why can’t you spy on the Director? And who’s paying you to-?! Nevermind. I don’t even have a beef with Lucy.” Magnus waves his hand dismissively and leans forward. “I need you to spy on Taako.”

“Taako? Why?”

“Something’s wrong but I don’t know what.”

“Did you ask him? I know Taako’s a bit difficult but I’m sure-”

“Angus, he _flinched_ when I held open a door. He’s never done that before. He says it’s not Kravitz but I don’t know... And he hasn’t left his room in days. He claims he’s sick but he doesn’t look sick.”

Angus furrows his brow at the news. “He... did cancel our magic lesson this week. Are you sure he’s not just sick?"

Trust me, when Taako is sick he practically throws himself a parade so he can get out of work. But this time he’s practically gone dark.”

“Alright, I’ll see what I can do... for 600 gold.”

"What?! That’s highway robbery!"

“We’re in a restaurant.”

“You raised the prices!”

“You raised the stakes.”

"Got yourself a smart mouth, McDonald,” Magnus grumbled and pulled out his coin wallet while Angus grinned on the other side of the booth. “I’m only giving you 575 since the lunch is payment, too.

"You said this lunch is ‘buttering up’. Buttering up isn’t payment. 600 on the table, sir.”

“Maybe I should pay you to stay _away_ from Taako instead. You’re picking up too much from him.” Magnus grumbles as he throws all his money on the table.

 


	6. There's No Polite Way To Say This (Or: Dropping A Conversational Bombshell)

Days after their meeting, Angus stood in front of the door to the Tres Horny Boy’s suite, nervously standing there in a perfect imitation of the first time he had a magic lesson in Taako’s room. (Taako was feeling too lazy to get out of bed and when Angus mentioned it he levitated to the ceiling and stayed there the entire lesson.)

He's become so familiar with the three he didn’t even have to knock anymore to enter. (He still did, as the THB sometimes struggle with things as basic as ‘wear pants’.)

“Taako? Merle? Magnus...?” Angus opened the door and looked around, gleaning as much as he could from the details of the room. The air still smelled like burnt toast and someone forgot to clean up a healthy looking breakfast, so Magnus must be on his morning jog.

Merle’s door was ajar and muffled Kenny Chesney leaked out, so he had to be asleep. Though for his door to be ajar he either forgot to close it or he trusted his cohabitants to not steal his stuff. (Angus concludes that Merle forgot.)

Then there was Taako.

Angus walked right up to the door and knocked forcefully. “Taako? It’s Wednesday! Magic lesson day? I read up on elven exclusive and elven compatible illnesses and because of the race’s aggressive immune system they rarely last beyond five days so you can’t tell me you’re still sick!” He waits a few minutes and hears nothing from the other side of the door.

The muffled Chesney in the background cuts off and Merle walks out of his own room looking like a mess. “So... you doin’ this on your own or did Magnus put you up to it?” Merle asks as he pours a cup of coffee and starts drinking directly from the pot.

“What do you mean, sir? And there’s a... vine? On your arm.”

Merle stops chugging coffee and looks at his arm, nodding slowly before yanking the tendril off. “So there is. What I’m asking is did Magnus pay you to spy on Taako since he’s been tiptoeing around Magnus like a cat around water?”

“I have strict client confidentiality policies, sir.”

“That was seven words. ‘Yes’ only has three letters, kiddo."

“I can’t just throw around case details willy nilly. In the high-intensity environment of the police force that could get someone killed.”

Merle grunts in response and finishes off the pot. "You're not on the force anymore, and I doubt anyone’s gonna die over Taako faking something.”

Angus just watches Merle brew a second pot in silence, head jerking towards the wizard’s door when he hears the locks being undone on the other side. “Taako! You look...” Oddly put together. Taako’s hair was tightly braided back and he wore a tight-fitting tunic and leggings. “Nice. You look very nice.”

“Yeah, yeah, quit with the flattery and get in here.” He opens the door wider.

“Right away, sir!” Angus runs in, excited to be back to their lessons after an unexpected hiatus. (And to begin his investigation.) The second he’s in the room he visually picks it apart. It looked just as dirty as before- Wait, where all the-?

"Alright, brat, you wanna learn a spell or not?” Taako clapped his hand on top of Angus’ head and pulled his hat over his eyes. “You know the rules, sit on the bed and listen to Uncle Taako ramble until you can shoot lightning out of your ass.” Taako steers Angus towards the bed and sits down on it himself. “What level are you these days, anyway?”

“Level two, sir. I-”

“Listen, I’m sure it’s a great story but don’t tell it. You wanna learn a spell today or not?”"

Um, yes sir?”

“Great! Now-” Taako gets up and kicks something under the bed as he does. While the wizard is distracted Angus quickly inspects the room again. The books typically scattered all around are all now on an unusually tidy bookshelf, and there’s been a small effort to pick up his dirty clothes.

Where’s the garbage? The ‘decorative’ wine bottles? The plates of rotten food? And there’s a blanket thrown over the vanity. Was the mirror broken in a fight? Has Taako fallen into a self-loathing depression? Or is he just very messy? One way to find out. 

“Sir, I’m very cold, can you hand me a blanket?”

Taako huffs and looks over his shoulder. “You’re a needy kid, aren’t you? ‘Taako teach me magic’, ‘Taako get me a blanket’, ‘Taako stop throwing noodles at me’.” He grabs a half empty tube of lipstick and tosses it toward his vanity where it smacks into a bottle of vitamins.

He’s hiding from the public eye. According to Magnus, he’s faking an illness. His room is cleaner than usual. He’s got vitamins... Taako wouldn’t suddenly take better care of himself and his room for no reason. Even when he began dating Kravitz his room was still a pigsty- Who in the planes would Taako actually start taking care of himself for?

Oh.

Agnus knew Taako was trans. It wasn’t a closely guarded secret. Though it had made for a fairly awkward 11th birthday when a very drunk Taako took Angus to the side and rambled on about how ‘ _people like you an’ me gotta stick together, angle-less. If... if anyone ever tries to give you shit fer who you are, tell me an’ I’ll ma-muh-magic missile their ass so fast they won’ know what hit ‘em_.’ Taako then puked on his shoes. But Angus did appreciate the sentiment.

There’s no easy way to navigate this now. There’s no real polite way to ask ‘are you pregnant’ when the person you’re asking fully expects it to happen at least once in their lifetime. Much less when the person you’re asking is your magic mentor, dating an undead skeleton, and has been out, transitioned and proud longer than you’ve been alive.

Angus takes a breath as Taako finally finds the spell book he’s been teaching Angus out of and starts walking over. “Alright, pumpkin let’s try-”

“Sir, are you pregnant?” Taako stops in his tracks and drops the book. The carpet isn’t ruined this time.


	7. One of Those Private, Rambling Conversations That Always Ends In Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer and more intense than previous chapters. You have been warned.

Taako stares at Angus with wide eyes, mentally chastising himself for letting _The World’s Greatest Detective_ into his room while he was only a couple weeks into a year long attempt to hide a baby. How could he be so stupid?! Would the kid snitch?!

_Of course he’d snitch. Then everyone would know and everyone will taunt you until Lucretia shoots your ass out of a cannon and they dump you planetside and try to forget what a mistake you were._

He can’t let the kid leave the room.

_What are you going to do, trap him in your closet for a year?_

“Sir?” The tween’s tone is heavily laced with worry. Shit. Taako needs to do something other than stand there like a deer in the headlights, doesn’t he? He needs to  _do_ something. Or say something. Shit, what do you say in a situation like this?!

“If you...” Okay. That’s a start. “If you... If-If you ever tell anyone, Angus McDonald-” He can’t say he’ll kill the kid. (Though he’d like to give him a solid thrashing right now.) “If you tell _anyone,_  even the spirit of your dead hamster...“ Taako reaches out for the Umbra staff and it zips right into his hand, just in time for him to point it at Angus’ throat. “I won’t kill you,” That doesn’t stop the kid from blanching several shades. “But I will make your life... very, very difficult.”

What the fuck is he doing?! Is he honest to god _threatening his kid_?! What the fuck is wrong with him?! Is he really this desperate?! He’s acting just like _him_. Taako knows it and he hates it and he hates  _himself so much right now_ but he can’t will himself to back out. He can’t let anyone know. He can’t tell anyone he’s fucked up like this. That he’s a failure and a freak and he’s just  _so worthless_ that he can’t even be a man right after all these years.

“Because if you tell anyone,” Taako leans closer. “My own life will be very, very difficult. Understand?” He lowers the tip of the umbrella. Angus is trembling on the bed, shoulders hunched, arms up to defend himself, eyes wide staring at Taako like-

 

-Just like he used to look at Sazed.

 

“Oh my God.” Taako drops the umbrella in disbelief. “Oh my god, Angus- shit. _Shit._ I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry, I- I don’t know why I did that.” What the fuck is wrong with him?! He was worried about Kravitz turning into a monster, yet here he was threatening a _child._

(Sazed was right. He wasn’t a real man and he was a bad person and he’d end up scaring everyone away and end up all alone and-)

“Sir...” Angus slowly eases out of his defensive posture, still trembling. “Are... are you afraid that everyone will hate you because you’re having a baby?”

Taako lets out a dry laugh. “As if! They’ve got plenty of other reasons to hate me, kiddo.” He felt like every reason to hate him physically manifested as bugs to crawl over his back, fighting for the room because there’s just  _so many reasons to hate him._

“I don’t think anyone will _hate_ you for this, Taako.” Angus says. “I think everyone will be... surprised by this, but they won’t hate you. I mean- would _you_ hate someone for having a child? I know you’re callous and selfish, Taako, but not even you could do something like that.”

“Try me, short stack! I hate myself so much I don’t know how else I or anyone could feel about me!”

This kid is really fucking Taako up.

Yeah, that has to be it.

There was no other way Taako would gleefully dig up so many past traumas and actually admit something  _truthful_ to another living soul.

Angus looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head. “...Taako, I... I didn’t know you had such deep-seated -at least, I assume deep-seated- self-loathing. You always act like you don’t-”

“Like I don’t care. I know, I get it. ‘Taako, the lovable greedy fuckup’. I’ve fucked up a lot but... this fuck up is my worst fuck up ever.” Takko sighs and sits on the bed, staring at his shoes. For several minutes there's nothing but dead silence.

“Well?” Taako looks at Angus. “Ask away.”

“‘Ask away’?”

“I know you’ve got questions. I already tore open one emotional scar today, why not go for the gold?”

“Takko, are you sure? Do you really trust me that much?”

“‘Course I do, kid.” He smiles and whips off the boy’s hat, ruffling his hair. “I let you in my room, didn’t I?”

“That is a valid point...” Angus tried to reach for his hat back only for it to end up stashed between Taako’s pillows. Knowing it’d be an uphill battle to get back his hat back, he instead started musing about which question to ask first. While Angus was a very smart 11-year old, he was still an 11-year-old, and 11-year-olds have very certain priorities.

“Can I name it?”

“Krav already got dibs on the first name. Says I’d ‘pick something undignified’. Burrito is a perfectly good name! ‘Burri’ for short.”

“What’s a... ‘burrito’?”

“I dunno, it sounded cool.” Taako leaned back and kicked off his boots.

“Hmm...” Angus rubbed his chin. “How long have you known?”

“About two weeks now. Probably should’ve waited for a big longer to freak out.” He grabs the book hidden under his bed, pulling out the massive tome with a grunt. “Cleric Tsavaruil here says I won’t even show for a good 20 weeks... 5-ish months. But elves take forever to pop ‘cus of our damn endless lifespans.”

“So that’s where the stolen library book went.”

“They actually care enough about this dumb book enough to notice it went missing?”

“While I was researching the elven medical section I noticed it was missing, so I told the librarians about it.”

“Ha! Nerd.”

“This nerd solved your pregnancy mystery in ten minutes flat.”

“Don’t brag, it’s bad for the soul. Next question.”

“Are you and Kravitz going to marry now? Since you’re bound by this- this thing?”

Taako’s eyes opened wider. “Well shit, that _is_ a good idea, Ango. Lookit you, preventing the bastardization of my spawn _and_ turning my extremely handsome boyfriend into an extremely handsome husband.” The phrase 'bound by this' leaves a bad taste in his mouth, though.

“My mom only married my dad so I wouldn’t be a bastard.”

“That’s fucked up. Next question.” He ruffles Angus’ hair again and tries to scrap it over his eyes.

“Um... have you ever had a situation like this before?”

Taako froze when Agnus asked, giving him a blank stare for several minutes. Ah, there was the kicker. The root of all Taako’s problems. “Yeah.”

“Well, when was it?”

“I dunno... about a year ago? Sizzle It Up was still running, and I didn’t know it at the time but the show was on its last legs.” Maybe that’s why Sazed did it in the end. If he couldn’t control Taako, he could destroy him.

“Why did it end? Is it related to the-” Angus leans closer, interest piqued.

“Yeah. Don’t say the ‘p’ word, you dig me? It’s... gross. And it’s got a lot of bad memories on it.”

“Understood. And... Can you tell the story? Do you want to?”

“Why the fuck not? I mean, if I die on the next relic hunt at least one person in the world’s gonna have _El Legado de Taako."_

“S-sir? Are you honestly going to go on a mission like this? Shouldn’t you just feign illness?”

“I’ve been trying and it’s boring as _heck_ , kiddo. If it comes down to dying in a blaze of glory or a sterile room I’m all about glory. Now shush the fuck up and get out a pen, Uncle Taako’s about to wax poetic about his tragic backstory... or like, tragic four-year long fuck-up.” Angus nods and takes out a notebook and pen, looking up at his mentor and ready to hang onto his every word.

Taako sighs and reaches into a drawer- then realizes he shouldn’t be drinking and closes it. “Alright, it all started in a shitty pub, you know, like most stories. I was looking for work and I didn’t have any cash so I had to scrub dishes to pay for my drinks and- _Sazed_ , that was his name. Sazed was one of the line cooks. We chatted... we kind of hit it off and I stayed near the pub. We eventually got this pipe dream about doing our own thing and after a lot of penny pinching we got the cash for a wagon and oxen. After that- we were shooting up the ranks!” Taako’s hands shoot out for emphasis and he turned to Angus with a smile

“Of course it was hard to drum up interest for it at first. No one had ever really seen a mobile cooking show before, but once we started giving out free samples at the end we had more fans than we knew what to do with. Sazed mainly did the business part, I did the showmanship part.

His once giddy look turned somber. “And... once we started picking up is when I should’ve seen it. But at the time I was so dizzy on fame I just went along with it. He started off small- fuck, he started before we even got the wagon for the show. He always wanted to have the final say. Always had to have things go _his_ way. He ‘suggested’ my drinks, suggested the wagon, the oxen, he picked up the ingredients without even asking me what I needed and say ‘that was all we had money for’. He was telling the truth at first, but then...”

Angus looked up from his furious writing, then back down to it.

“I remember when we were right before our peak. He came back with nothing but a goddamn sack of potatoes and smelling like makeup and said ‘that was all we had money for’. I had to hunt through my wardrobe and sell half my jewelry collection to get enough ingredients for the show the next day.” Taako curled up his fists, feeling angry at himself for not confronting Sazed, for not being brave enough, for not doing so many things and getting dragged deeper under Sazed’s thumb.

“Then... he stopped letting me see him do the number crunching, stopped letting me go out to go ingredient shopping,  stopped letting me talk to the audience after the show. At first it was just... sour looks. Or standing close enough to block anyone from coming near me. Then he kept on claiming we had no money, we had plenty of fucking money! I should know, he was drinking it all behind my back! Whenever I asked for even a damn copper he’d open a empty bag and claim over and over again that was all we had- then he’d turn around and pull another hundred gold from the safe he had hidden under the wagon seat. I threw the damn thing in the sea after he came back drunk again and screamed that ‘Now we really don’t have any cash, fucker!’” He couldn’t help the smile on his face. Sure, he got the shit beaten out of him before that night ended, but he  _did something_ for once. “And put that down verbatim, pumpkin.”

“Got it, sir.” Angus was writing at breakneck speed now, his pen stopping as he get down the last word.

“I got the shit beaten out of me, and... I should've left right then and there honestly. But he...” Taako sighs, still in disbelief he _fell for it._  “Then Sazed the suckass turns around and starts babbling about how sorry he was and how he didn’t mean it. How you _not mean to_ punch someone in the face?! He fixed me up, I fell for it, and... I stayed. Even so, I started planning an exit. But I kept telling myself I wasn’t ready, that there’d be a better chance in the next town. And Sazed... Sazed started getting even more controlling to counter it....” Taako takes a breath, grabbing the edges of the bed as he dove into the most traumatizing part of the tale. “He...” Another breath. How could he tell Angus? How could he summarize all those months of virtually being chained to the wagon and of constantly having Sazed hover over him. All the insults that gradually worked their way up from being muttered under Sazed’s breath to being the only way he referred to Taako? And how he explicitly said over and over ‘if I impregnate you, you’ll be chained to me forever and you can never run away’ while undoing Taako’s shirt.

“He... he was fucked up. It was fucked up. He... he thought if- if he made me have his kid, I couldn’t run away. It failed a few times... sometimes by the skin of my teeth...” Sometimes only because he ran to a very discreet cleric before Sazed came back from god-knows-where.

“And I guess he got sick of waiting because...” Taako blanched, remembering all the pale faces and bloody lips and the conversation with June. “He tried to kill me. Didn’t work. Just wiped a town off the map.”

“He- he tried to kill you?!” Angus nearly dropped his pen.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” He tries to spit out the line with as much annoyance as he could muster, but it comes out more somber than he intended. “So... I guess that’s it. Met a guy, guy was fucked up, fuck ups happened.”

“That’s a lot of fucks.” Angus pips up. Taako is so shocked to hear  _baby-faced Angus McDonald_ say ‘fuck’ that he bowls over with laughter, red in the face, tears in his eyes and utterly breathless by the time he sits up again.

“Oh, what would I do without you, pumpkin?” Taako allows himself to genuinely smile for the first time in a long time and holds his arms out. “C’mere and gimme a hug.”

Angus scoots over with a smile and hugs Taako tightly.

  
For a minute, it feels like everything will be alright.

 


	8. It's Not Like This Is Important, Anyway (It Really Is)

Only a day after Taako and Agnus’ heart-to-heart, he was feeling alright. Alright enough to at least start crawling out of his room and fight Merle for Magnus’ breakfast leftovers.

  
“Hey! I said dibs on the toast, Highchurch!” Taako reaches across the counter, recoiling when Merle spit on the toast.

  
“Mine now.” He refilled Magnus’ cup of coffee and slide it towards Taako, drinking straight from the pot.

  
“God, Merle! Do you go out of your way to be gross?! That’s a communal coffee pot!”

  
“And every time you steal my steaks you call it ‘a communal fridge’. I think we’re even.”

  
“But I don’t get my mouth germs on your food then force you to eat it!”

  
“And neither do I. Unlike some people, I wash my dishes when I’m done with them.”

  
“That was one time!”

  
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you clean anything in your whole life. Not even your damn teeth.”

  
“I brush once daily, for your information! Right after I remove my makeup!”

  
Merle snatches half an apple from Magnus’ behemoth of a plate and takes a bite of it. “Alright, alright, dumb argument, no real end, case closed. And dibs on the pancake.” Taako makes a show of spitting on the pancake in response.

  
“Ha! Beat you at your own game!” Taako stabbed the pancake and drags it to his side of the counter, trailing butter and syrup the whole way. Merle makes a face at the mess but doesn’t comment.

  
“Been awhile since we did this, hasn’t it? I was starting to believe I’d always have Magnus’ scraps to myself.”

  
“I guess, not that this is all that important.” That was a lie. Eating Magnus’ breakfast leftovers was one of the few sacred rituals the Tres Horny Boys had. They’d started while they were still level one adventurers farting around planetside and had rarely missed a day since. Taako suddenly going on a two-week hiatus to hide in his room all hours of the day was the first major gap they’d had.

  
“So...” Merle started.

  
“So?” Taako took another sip of coffee, then dumped in roughly ten sugar cubes, stirring the cup noisily.

  
“...You and Kravitz, huh?” Taako stops stirring, heart momentarily jumping into his chest.

  
“How the hell did you find out?”

  
“It was quiet... I just heard some talk. Angus is a bastard, who knew?”

  
“He was _almost_ a bastard. If you’re gonna eavesdrop do it right, you old fart.”

  
“Sorry I didn’t waste a level to dip into rogue.”

  
“You don’t even need to waste a level to know to put a cup against the wall!"

  
“Well, now I know that for next time, don’t I?”

  
“You say like like you won’t forget before next time, you old fart.” Taako steals a sausage link. “And now I want to know: How much did you hear?”

  
“Enough I had to think about it.” Merle puts his toast down and slides his plate away. Taako feels a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead.

  
“Listen... Taako, I know. You’re loud. You’re rude. You’re greedy-”

  
“And you’re humble as the goddamn soil.”

  
Merle rolls his eyes. “Listen, you’re a lot of stuff, but when it comes down to it: you’re private. Which is almost a contradiction considering how... _flashy_ you like to be.”

  
“Is there any meat to this or are you just pitching me shit?” He stabs the last bacon strip with his fork and starts munching on it.

  
“I’m getting there, trust me.” He sighs and crosses his arms on the table. “What I want to say is: I won’t tell anyone unless you want me to. God knows Hecuba taught me the ins and outs of that.”

  
Taako freezes, the bacon falling onto the counter. “Fucking hell, does everyone know at this point?!” He huffs and eats the dropped bacon with his bare hands.

  
“You’re... a lot calmer about this than before.” Taako gives Merle a look. “You know, with the panicking and screaming and mess making and hiding a while ago."

  
“You heard all that?!”

  
“How could I not?! I considered playing some music just to drown you out!”

  
“You ass! You-! You...” Taako pointed an accusing finger at Merle.

  
“I...?”

  
“IIIIII’m thinking, alright?!” He jabbed his finger at Merle. “You-! You let me think I was all alone! Or that I was actually decent at keeping secrets!”

  
“I left dinner out for you every night while you were in hiding! I was helping!” Merle watches Taako retract his accusing finger and make a face, realizing that there had been a suspicious amount of decent leftovers in the fridge while he was feigning illness.

  
“Okay, so maybe you were. Doesn’t change the fact you didn’t come up to my face and tell me you knew.”

  
“Because I was thinking of what to say! That’s all I’ve been doing this entire time!”

  
Taako is taken aback by Merle’s sudden enthusiasm and bows his head, scooting Magnus’ platter closer to the cleric’s side of the counter. Maybe he’d get distracted by the easy meal and _just stop talking about this_. “Why?” He shrugs.

  
“Because I’m a parent. And maybe I felt a little entitled to tell you what to do.”

  
“ _Please_ , the gods themselves can barely tell me what to do.”

  
“Don’t you think I know that? But I have to tell you this and I have to know you’ll listen. Fucking up your own life and fucking up a kid’s life are like apples and Beholder testicles. If you fuck up your own life, that’s all on you and nobody else gets hurt, but kids- once you fuck up a kid you can’t fix it. And you really can’t mess up anymore, because you’re not the only one taking the hits.”

  
“Wait-” He spat out a glob of toast. “So you wanted to give me ‘a talk’ because you thought I’d end up some deadbeat?” Merle gives Taako a flat look. “Okay, fair point.”

  
“Trust me, walking out looks easy, but it’s a hell of a lot harder to be deadbeat than stick around and be a real dad. My- Mookie’s not even ten yet and I already know I’m never gonna be part of his life! And Mavis is getting to the point she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore! Nearly 400 years of life for the both of ‘em and I won’t be around for any of that! You- Your race gets almost double that!”

  
“What? You think I’m gonna walk out on a tit sucking one year old? Is that how much faith you have in me?”

  
“No! Ugh- that’s not what I meant! I meant- Don’t make my mistakes, Taako."

 

"You’re not the only bad example I have to choose from, Merle! Fuck- my own parents walked out when I was ten! Do you honestly think I want that for my kid?! I don’t even have a family to cart ‘em off to! Have you noticed I haven’t spent a copper for the past two weeks?! I’m saving up! I’m actually trying to prevent the same mistakes I’ve seen god knows how many parents make!”

 

It’s Merle’s turn to be silent. He bows his head and stares at his hands, then at the spot where his wedding right used to be. “If you choose to... marry this guy, I can officiate. That’s one pitfall avoided. And I can pool some money with you. I know it should go to my own kids but- I think you’re a little more strapped for funds.”

  
“That's the... most assholeish way anyone’s ever helped me. Thanks, Merle, you won’t regret it.”

  
“Thank me by handing over the last sausage.”

 

 


	9. Prelude To Holy Union (And Deals With The Devil?)

“Hmmm...” Taako was in the middle of Fantasy Costco at the ungodly hour of _before noon_. He didn’t even know there was a ‘before noon’. He thought that was just some mythical time of day mad men who woke up too early (aka: Magnus) made up. He also didn’t know Fantasy Costco marked up their wedding grade rings to the five digit range.

"I bet they bought this shit for three gold and a rubber band.” He looks over both shoulders before kneeling in front of the display. Focusing on the two plainest wedding bands in the store, Taako willed a Mage Hand into existence-

Only for alarms to start blaring and lights to flare as the Mage Hand dissipated.

“FUCK!” Taako squeezes his eyes shut and falls flat on his ass, Garfield the Deals Warlock suddenly appearing behind the counter

“Oh, my! If it isn’t favorite shoplifter!” The cat man leaned over the counter.

“Been awhile, hasn’t it?” Taako sits up and dusts himself off. “I just need a couple- uh, a few rings on the cheap.”

That seemed to pique the shopkeeper’s interest. “‘On the cheap’ you say?” Garfield cups his chin and chuckles. “You never go cheap. I have a feeling you’re not being entirely honest with me, Taako, hmmmmmm?”

“Does honesty get me free rings?”

“No!”

“Then why be honest?”

“Well, honesty will get you...” Garfield leans in uncomfortably close. “A one percent discount.”

“What?! That’s bullshi-"

“With the opportunity for a ninety-nine percent discount.”

“I’m getting impulse married in half an hour.” Taako blurts out. Garfield nods slowly, then makes a ‘give me more’ gesture with his hands.

“To... a very handsome man?”

Another ‘more’ gesture.

“Who’s... not even a member of the Bureau?” Damn it, he hated actually being truthful and spilling secrets, but those rings looked like they were worth more than his yearly income.

“I don’t think you really want this discount. I suppose I can just...” Garfield gets the most decadent rings out of the display and puts them on the counter, then slips them on his own hands. “Use these as accessories.” He breathed on the massive diamonds of the rings and rubbed them on his shirt to shine them, making a show of admiring the way they glittered in the light. Taako stared at the rings intently, a sweat forming on his brow. “Real shame, too... These almost look good enough to eat...” Garfield brings the rings toward his mouth.

“Alright! We’re only getting married because he knocked me up!”

Garfield lights up with Taako finishes with his outburst, slipping the expensive rings off and grabbing a nail clipper. “Cut all your nails down to the quick and they’re both 250 gold.”

“That’s still pretty high...”

“Oh! But compared to their original 25,000 gold price tags that’s nothing! Hmm... Let me name one and the rings are free.” Taako throws his coin purse out so fast it nearly slides off the counter. The Deals Warlock smiles as he sneaks the coin purse into his sleeve.

“My own baby daddy isn't even letting me name _the_ kid because I'll give it a crappy name. I'm not letting ‘Garfield Junior’ carry on my legacy. Or having anymore after this.” His face is curled up in such an intense expression of disgust it’s causing him physical pain.

(For a split second he panics, wondering if it really _is_ twins. Twins are bad luck where he comes from.)

The rest of the exchange is oddly silent as Taako trims his nails and gives Garfield the clippings. The second he’s done he takes the diamond studded rings and beelines for the TBH suite while slipping a freshly shoplifted Stone of Farspeed out of his pocket. “Ha! Can’t fool me twice."

* * *

 “Where is he?” Kravitz was frantically pacing up and down the suite common room as Merle impassively read his Extreme Teen Bible.

“He said he was going on a shopping trip. He’ll be back eventually. Maybe not before dinner-” Merle shrugs. ”-But eventually.”

“Taako told me he was cutting down on his spending, though.”

“The guy who can shoplift half a Fantasy Costco aisle in the right coat is ‘cutting down on his spending’.” Merle noisily flips his page, still hunting for the perfect passage for the most rushed wedding he’d seen in his life. Even his own hasty nuptials had a timeline that was measured in days, not hours. And they didn’t have to put a goldfish in a magic bubble on the coffee table to act as a ‘technical witness’.

“He still wouldn’t take too much time. I trust him, it is our big day... even if I didn’t know until he told me a couple hours ago...”

“That’s more or less my fault. I told him I could officiate a wedding and... here we are.”

The front door swings open and both heads shoot up.

“Kravitz?!”

In the doorway stood a still-sweaty Magnus Burnsides, shirt hanging around his neck. “What’re you doing here?!”

The reaper doesn’t have time to reply, as someone runs into the door with a _THUD!_ , panting and narrowly sliding past Magnus. “I got your message, Sir!” Angus held up his Stone. “I came as fast as I could! What’s the emergency?!”

“We need two witnesses and the officiator doesn’t count. Or the goldfish.” Kravitz says, taking a seat and finally stopping his pacing. “Though... you still might not count since you’re a child.”

Angus’ expression of shock manages to perfectly mirror Magnus’ own.

“You’re getting married?!” Angus’ face breaks into a massive grin

“You’re getting married?!” Magnus’ jaw drops. “Steven?!” He looks at the coffee table and the content fish. “Angus!?” He turns toward the child. “600 gold and you still couldn’t tell me that?!”

“Sorry, sir! I was still trying to... well, I wasn’t sure if Taako wanted anyone to know, and I had to do some paperwork on the case as even my simplest ones have to be-”

“Oh? So you paid my apprentice 600 G to spy on me? He can hand me 250 of that to recoup what I spent on these beauties.” Taako leans against the open doorway, showing off the two rings.

“Sir! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before! It seemed out of place during our talk.”

“Hey, no skin off my teeth. Considering my current money woes, I think right now is the perfect time to hear.” He walks in just enough to close the door, Magnus scooting out of the way. "And since you paid you paid my _pwerfect widdle appwrentice_ so much to figure it out, he might as well tell you.” The wizard leans down and pinches Angus’ cheek.

“Taakooooooooo!” He leans away and rubs his cheek. Alright, he was upset because he’s pr-.” Taako leans closer to the boy. “Having a baby and also I overcharged you by nearly 300 gold and I’m not refunding any of it because it really _was_ a high-stakes case.”

“That’s my boy! Now hand over the 250!”

For a split second Magnus' stomach bottoms out and he looks at the detective like he pulled a freshly severed hand out of his back pocket. He recovers quickly and swings right back into the goofy mood of the moment.“You little brat! I knew you were lying to me!”

“Of course he was! He’s my boy!” Taako gleefully yelled as Agnus slipped him the gold. “Now go shower! No smelly witnesses at my wedding!”

“What?! This- this is crazy, Taako!” Magnus is interrupted when Taako attempts to shove him towards his own bedroom door.

“Don’t kid yourself, Magno! You’re gonna _love_ being the only technically legal witness to my holy union!”

Merle coughs. Kravitz gags.

“Can’t you give me a few minutes to think about it?! Or even process it?!” He takes a massive step forward and nearly sends Taako tumbling to the floor without a weight to push onto.

“That’s what shower thoughts are for, bud.”

“Alright, alright, I’m going, I’m going.” He stops right before he enters his room. “I’ll be thinking of a lecture while I’m in there, too.”

“I am _one hundred_ and _twenty-nine years old_ , Burnsides! I am far too old for lectures from the likes of-”

“I already gave him one, Maggie, we can compare notes,” Merle says, then gives Kravitz a look. “Don’t think you’re getting out of one, loverboy."

“I... Wasn’t expecting a lecture.” The reaper shifts in his seat. “Or... any of this to happen in the first place.”

Eventually, Agnus sits beside Merle and reads the Extreme Teen Bible over his shoulder, while Taako sits next to Kravitz and they admire the rings together.

“How about the tale of the wedding of the magpie and the briar for your own?” Merle asks a few minutes later.

“I suppose that’ll work. I’ve never heard it before but the title seems self-explanatory.” Kravitz says.

“It’s a pretty easy read about the bonds of plants and animals. I mean, maybe a life and death thing would be more fitting?”

“Does Pan even do the ‘life and death’ thing?” Taako asked, now sprawled across the couch and his future husband’s lap.

“Well, he kind of has to. Even The Raven Queen has to give props to the life domain, Universal balance and contrasts and all.” He looks to Kravitz for confirmation, who nods in response.

“Do we really need a story? Can’t it just be ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ and then we all party and get dru-” He remembers why they’re getting married.

“You guys all party and get dr-” He looks at the11-year-old.

"Fuck, now I know why people renew their vows. None of that ‘re-affirming their love for each other’ shit, it’s because they couldn’t party hard at their first wedding and wanna do it _right_. When we renew our vows we should make it massive, babe. I’m talking ‘party hard enough some god of hedonism steps down from their cloud or whatever and personally blesses us both’.”

Kravitz chuckles and starts caressing Taako’s hair. “Of course, darling. And we can make it a honeypot for liches for even more grandiosity when I break my old record for largest haul in one night.”

“See?! That’s what I’m talking about!” He sits up and pulls the reaper in for a sloppy kiss. Merle covers Angus’ eyes.

Seconds later Magnus walks out in his nicest button down shirt and with still damp hair. “So... Did I miss the wedding or are we starting?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As it seems I only have a couple chapters left, I wanted to run a fun little contest before I close the book on this story. Readers can submit baby names and the winner(s) will have their name used in-story and can request a drabble from me in this universe or others.


	10. Holy Union (And Chaotic Reception)

Kravitz couldn’t believe this. No one in the room really could. (Not even Steven, who probably didn’t understand what a wedding was anyway.) He was an undead, centuries old reaper, The Raven Queen’s prized champion for his ruthlessness, speed, and efficiency in reaping escaped souls... And currently holding hands with an elf who would live and die in the blink of his eye. Someone he was hopelessly head over heels for. Someone he was soon to be a _father_ with this man.

It was understandable if he fumbled his vows a little.

 

“Who’s... ‘Taquito’?” Taako stood in front of his fiance, their hands joined together while their closest friends acted as witnesses to Kravitz’s blunder.

“I- I-” Kravitz feels like his skin is about to peel off his skull in embarrassment.

The Tres Horny Boys must have telepathy with how quickly they make a joke out of it.

“I knew it!” Magnus pipes up. “I told you, Merle, we have to keep an eye on this reaper boy!”

Merle tsks from his spot between the newlyweds and slams his Bible shut. “He’s been cheatin’ on our beloved Taako. Will nothing chain these... wild skeletal loins?”

“See Merle? This why we had to zag him! We had to spring a shotgun wedding on him before he ran off with this chica Taquito in my time of greatest need!”

“Oh? Does that mean I should grab Railspitter?” Mangus lights up like a Christmas tree.

“Please don’t grab Railspitter, sir.” Angus and Kravitz said in unison.

“We already started the damn ceremony and I will cast Hold Person on everyone here if that’s what it takes for me to get married!” Taako yells, then turns to Merle.

“Alright, right name this time... Kravitzzz...?”

“No surname.”

“Kravitz... Kravitz, Do you take Taako....?”

“Just ‘Taako’, my man. No last name here.”

“Pan help us all...” Merle opens his Bible back up. “Kravitz, do you take this man, Taako, to be your lawfully- to be your husband? Do you promise to be true in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Do you promise to love him and honor him all the days of your li- Unlife? Fuck it, all of eternity? Do you take Taako to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you par- until the end of time?"

As Merle recites their vows, Kravitz feels a swell in his chest, each word weaving a new meaning into their love. It was as if for the first time in centuries he was seeing the world with new eyes. It was the same poorly lit suite he’d spent the morning in a hundred times, but today it’s practically a temple, if only because someone as radiant and as charming as Taako was standing in it. When he finally speaks, the words feel like honey on his tongue, and the easy smile he’s been wearing only grows. “I do.”

“And do you, Taako, take this man, Kravitz, to be your husband? Do you promise to be true in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health? Do you promise to love him and honor him all the days of eternity? Do you take Kravitz to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until the end of time?"

Taako hesitates, squeezing Kravitz’s hands before smiling and saying those two blessed words. “I do.”

“I now pronounce you-” The newlyweds practically run over Merle in their rush to kiss, touching each other as if it was the last time. (Magnus covers Angus’ eyes). “-Husbands.”

“So that’s it? You put on the rings and we all go get dr-” Magnus starts speaking, only for Angus to cough. “Hey, kid, we all start eventually.”

“I wasn’t actually concerned about that. Won’t Taako be upset if you’re all drinking while he can’t?” They both look at Taako, who's currently being french dipped and french kissed by Kravitz.

“I don’t think he minds.”

 

* * *

 

After Taako and Kravitz made out for thirty minutes straight, the group finally picked the one Italian restaurant on the base for their reception dinner (even Steven came along on Magnus’ hip). The table was overflowing with appetizers and main courses and conversations, each person happily chatting away with the others in the group. (The Tres Horny Boys all felt an uneasy deja vu, but didn’t say anything.) Merle and Magnus were still making fun of Kravitz for his earlier name blunder. Magnus ordered a bottle of booze and was poorly introducing Angus to the world of wine tasting. (Angus argued that wine tasting was more of a group thing. Magnus still insisted Angus be the only one drinking wine at the table for the sake of irony.) All the while, Taako and Kravitz could barely tear their eyes off each other. Every time they saw the glittering rings on their fingers it triggered another breathless laugh, another wave of disbelief.

“Oh shit.” Magnus nearly overfills Angus’ glass when he notices Lucretia entering with Davenport and Johann.

As soon as he utters the curse all eight Bureau members turn their heads to notice each other.

“Taako?” Lucretia breaks the silence first. “Who’s... this?” Her eyes were plastered to the shiney gold ring on Kravitz’s hand. Taako and the other two Horny Boys silently trade looks, and they instantly know what he’s going to do: say something shocking and see what he can get out of the situation.

“This is my undead reaper husband, Kravitz. We just got impulse married an hour ago because he’s the father of my children. And yeah, in case I forgot to tell you I’m-”

Lucretia looks like she’s been physically struck. “I- I”m aware you’re transgender, Taako.” She groans and holds a hand to her forehead. When she finally looks up Mangus, Davenport and Johann are all offering her a glass of wine. “I just-” She takes the glass Johann’s offering and drains it in one go.

“I just- what is it about being on the moon that makes people so horny? This- this is the seventh time and the fourth race I’ve had to do this for in a year and a half.. Just stop having babies. It’s a massive construct on the edge of the planet’s atmosphere, not a friendly villa. We work here! Davenport- Oh, you’re already writing it down, good.”

She takes another deep breath and rubs her temples. “I can’t believe I have to make a rule in a highly secretive worldwide organization that you have to stop having unprotected sex all the time. I’ll have to call a high school and copy their sex ed course. Daven- thank you.” She takes a second glass of wine from Davenport and drains it. “I can’t even go out to dinner without something happening.”

“So... I’m not getting fired and blasted into the sun?”

“Oh, no. What made you think that?”

“Nothing.” Taako remembers the endless weeks he spent literally curled up and hiding in fear.. “So... when do we get cool shit?”

“You don’t get any more cool shit for being pregnant up here than you would planetside. As sick as it sounds, Bureau of Balance brand cradles are in incredibly low demand. Now, can I _please_ go eat before another crisis happens?”

“Actually, I-” Merle starts.

“If that’s all, I’ll be going.” She walks past the quintet and takes the glass of wine from Magnus, returning it seconds later completely empty. “And I want to name the first one.”

“There’s only gonna _be_ one! The factory’s closing after this.” Taako says.

“Middle name, then. I’ll pay for the first six months of supplies.”

“Deal!”


	11. In Which The Moon Temperance Movement Gains Traction (As Does The Moon Planned Parenthood)

The Tres Horny Boys and co. ended up staying at the restaurant until well past closing time (and well past sobriety for Angus, much to their amusement). Magnus threw the boy over his shoulder and walked him back to his suite just in time for a furious lecture from Lucretia while the other four headed back to their suite, and in Kravitz’s case, back to his plane.

Taako kisses his shiny new husband goodbye and watches him walk through a rip in the universe... and is left in total silence. He doesn’t feel like sleeping tonight and he knows Magnus is holding the other shoe that Merle didn’t drop.

Magnus wakes up at 4 am to cook breakfast before his morning jog. Probably not tonight, seeing as it’s 2:33 and he’s still not back.

God, Taako hated this. Not knowing _when_ it would happen. Or even what _it_ would be. Would Magnus just say some lukewarm ‘congrats’ and crawl off to bed? Or would it be some god-awful heart-to-heart that kept them up until the sun came up? He hated this.

Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he could still go back. He could fake something and just make the kid go down the shower drain.

He doesn’t get much time to panic, as Magnus walks in at that moment, the bags under his eyes resembling bruises and his shirt undone.

“Well, how was it?” Taako looks up from the couch.

“Lucretia chewed my ass out and put me on ‘hangover duty’ for the kid. And a whole bunch of other punishments: pay cut, planetside travel privilege revoked, community service, and extra training.”

“Oof! You must’ve _really_ pissed her off.” Taako chuckles, the residual grin washing right off when Magnus sits on the couch beside him, staring at his shoes.

“I’m sorry.”

“What? What’re you sorry about? I thought getting the kid drunk was hilarious! And then playing trivial pursuit over dessert. _Totally_ worth whatever Mama Director’s gonna spring on us.”

“No, not that. I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”

“The hell is ‘all your fault’, Burnsides?!”

Magnus sighs and runs his hands through his red hair. “Do you remember that time we all got really drunk and had a threesome planetside?”

“Vaguely. I was _good_ and drunk, not gonna lie. Why’re you bringing that up _now,_ of all-?”

It hits Taako like a bullet train. His grip on his Umbra Staff is white knuckled in an instant. “ _Magnus motherfucking Burnsides! You bastard!”_ He hits the human with his umbrella as hard as he can. “You bastard! I hate you! I hate you! You- Fuck you, you suck! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Taako brings the Umbra Staff down for another swing and the umbrella wreaths itself in flames, forcing him to drop it with a yelp. “I hate you!” He brings his fists down on the other, knowing Magnus could floor him in one hit. “ _I hate you!_ ”

Mangus just bears the brunt of the man’s anger, letting him exhaust himself and slump against the couch, tears in his eyes.

“Oh my god.” Taako lets out a hiccupy laugh, wiping away his tears and the last of his eyeliner. “Well... at least we know Kravitz doesn’t have some kind of secret reaper fertility thing like I thought... Damn it, Magnus! You suck!” He smacks the other’s shoulder again.

“It’s not like I _tried_ to do this, okay?!” Magnus finally uncurled from the defensive position he’d spent the last ten minutes in. “I- I didn’t even know this was happening until Angus told me! I thought about it in the shower and remembered that night and connected the dots.”

“We fucking suck, don’t we?” Taako sinks further into the couch.

“We fucking suck.”

There’s a long period of silence and neither man looks at the other.

“Are... are we telling Kravitz?” Magnus breaks the silence first.

“Fuck, I don’t know! It took me like three days to tell him when I thought it was _his_ kid! I mean- I thought it was impossible but I was like: ‘Fuck, I guess this is happening now. Maybe a god lost a card game and wanted to fuck with The Raven Queen. Or maybe The Lady herself lost.’ Either way, I just... rolled with it.”

Magnus stared at Taako for a long time, then reached over and grabbed a lock of his hair.

“Um... what’re you doing?”

“If that kid ends up a redhead, you’re gonna have to tell him. You won’t leave be able to leave the damn infirmary without him knowing.”

“You think I don’t know that?!”

“Well, you weren’t mentioning it!”

“Because in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve got _a lot_ of shit to think about!” Taako yells just as Merle’s door creaks open.

“Usually when you’re screaming after a wedding it’s your spouse’s fault.” Merle walks into the kitchen and kicks his stepping stool up to the counter, grabbing three mugs.

  
“Did you remember the cup trick?” Taako looks over at the dwarf.

“What ‘cup trick’?” Magnus asks, only to be shushed by Taako. For several minutes the trio lapses into silence again as Merle makes tea, walking over and handing the other two a cup.

“So...” Merle begins. Magnus puts his cup on a coaster in preparation. Taako takes a drink. “You two did it?” Taako does a spit take that drenches half the common room.

“Ha! I knew it!” He points at Merle with a grin.

“What’s the cup trick?!” Magnus asks again.

“It’s when you stick a cup against a door to hear one of your friends beating up your other friend after a threesome gone sideways.”

“Oh... So...” Magnus starts subconsciously plucking out hairs. “You hear everything?”

“I heard _enough._ You call yourself a rogue when _I_ can spy better than you?” Merle takes a drink.

“Hey! In my defense, I wasn’t hunting for eavesdroppers! I thought you passed out before you could even get to your bed!”

“Well, luckily I didn’t! Magnus hit the hay, you’ve got a kid to care for in the morning... apparently one of many. Taako, you don’t sleep, use that time and start figuring out how the hell you’re gonna tell Kravitz.” Merle waits until the other two retreat to their rooms, sighing and collecting their mugs of tea.

 

“Wish I was that gung-ho when it came to my own kids. Maybe I’d still have them.”

 


	12. The Tell

Magnus crawls out of bed a mere three hours after crawling into it and heads to Angus’ dorm to run the kid through the ins and outs of hangover cures. (“Here’s a bucket to puke in, sleep on your side, drink lots of water and don’t eat greasy food.”) He was barely there for ten minutes before rushing to training for what could best be described as ‘cardio overkill’. Merle had a good laugh at his expense until it came to the weightlifting portion of their training for that day. (Magnus was sure to laugh at him in turn.)

All the while, Taako was stuck in his room like some kind of wizard Rapunzel, talking to the walls as he tried to think of a way to tell Kravitz the news. “‘Sup, hot stuff? I’m having a baby and the baby isn’t yours!’ No... too much like the first time. ‘Remember that reaper fertility thing we talked about? Turns out you’re not fertile!’ No, too roundabout... Fuck, should I say this to his face or over Stone- No... no, he’d probably kill Magnus. It’s not like I cheated on him, though. He was right there with his dick in Mags’ ass! Ummm....” He leans back in his chair, casting Leviviation on himself right before he falls backward.

“Um... ‘Remember that threesome back in Neverwinter?’ I mean, that’s a start. That works.” Taako calls Kravitz’s Stone for roughly the tenth time that hour, groaning aloud when it goes to voicemail again.

“Alright, skeleton boy! Either pick up or I’ll... Ugh, there’s not much I can really do from here. I guess I can leave 100 _more_ messages. Love you, babe. Pick up soon.”

About 20 messages later, someone finally picks up. It’s not Kravitz.

“What the hell? Who are you? Why’re you- HRK!” There’s the sound of the Stone and a body hitting the dirt. Then the sound of a hand wrapping around it. “Sorry I haven’t been calling, darling. I’ve been on a stakeout to dismantle a cult. Your constant messages _did_ provide a good distraction. I’m down to just two necromancers to hunt down thanks to you.”

“You used me as bait?” Taako leans back further and chuckles. “You sick dog. Skip the paperwork and get here ASAP once you’re done there. I’ve... got something to tell you.”

“I...” Taako can hear the apprehension in Kravitz’s voice and the sound of a book opening.

“Kid’s not dead, I promise.” Magnus might be dead in an hour, though.

“Oh, that’s a relief. I’ve... I’ve never really had this happen before. I keep on worrying about our child constantly. I don’t know if they’re half dead and half alive or... doomed to be stillborn. I hope this works out... I can’t wait to be a father with you, Taako.”  
“Uh... yeah.” That bastard, waxing poetic at all the wrong times. “See you soon. Love you.”

“I lo-” Taako hangs up and tosses his Stone of Farspeech away. He looks at the clock, wondering how long he had to break the news and his lover’s heart.

“This is gonna fucking suck...”

 

* * *

 

 It’s well into dinnertime when Kravitz finally arrives, tearing a rip into Taako’s empty bedroom. “Taako?” He looks around and sees the door ajar, walking out to see the Tres Horny boys gathered around the kitchen island and arguing over who got the last steak. Taako argues since he was eating for two he deserves it, while Magnus argues he’d busted his ass that day and was hungrier than usual.

Kravitz clears his throat and a wave of apprehension passes through the three, all conversation stopping and all eyes on him. “Am I... interrupting something?”

“Not at all. I lost my appetite, anyway.” Merle divides what’s left on his plate and slides it onto Magnus and Taako’s own.

“Heeeeey there... Kravy.” Magnus nervously waves, still flushed red from a hard day of work. “You like me, right?” The man starts scooting to the far side of the island.

“Um, I believe so.” After about three drinks Kravitz more than liked the man. “Why? What’s going on?” Kravitz looks to Taako, brows furrowed.

“Okay, I wanna tell you... but you have to promise you won’t murder anyone.” Taako says.

“O...kay? I promise?” Kravitz wills his scythe away.

“Or harm in any way, shape, or form.” Magnus interjects.

“I... Taako, what is going on here?!”

“Welllll... Do you remember when you, Magnus and I got real drunk down in Neverwinter a few months ago?” Kravitz is still staring at Taako quizzically. “Magnus knocked me up that night.”

The reaper’s reaction is instantaneous. Anger, sorrow, relief, shock, and betrayal all fight for space in his expression before he settles on a quiet, heartbroken astonishment. “I... I-I guess it makes sense.” He feels a wholly unnecessary ache in his chest and sinks onto the nearest seat. “I- I shouldn’t have gotten caught up in the impossible notion that it was- I was...”

“Kravitz, babe, you’re still my husband and _nothing’s_ gonna change that.” Taako stands and walks over to Kravitz, sitting beside him. “Besides, at least he’s hot.” Taako looks at Magnus and trills out a sexy growl, earning an ugly snort from Kravitz.

“Don’t make me laugh, I’m supposed to be sad right now! Or angry? My Lady’s wrath, nothing is cut and dry with you three.”

“Hey bub, if I was in your position I’d be jumping for joy- Except you’ve already ball and chained yourself to the guy.” Merle says.

“So I guess we have to blame Angus, Merle,  _and_ Magnus for this.” Taako wiggles his fingers in front of Kravitz, his wedding ring glittering in the light.

“I... suppose?” What did Angus do to cause this? What happened while he was away? What Kravitz realized was he was distinctly out of the loop in regards to Taako’s life.

Maybe he wasn’t cut out to be a father. He was constantly away and in the thick of dismantling cults and preventing the rise of liches and demons. He couldn’t be there all the time, and soon Taako would need him _all the time._ Kravitz had been dead so long he’d forgotten the subtler needs of the _adult_ living. How often they ate and drank and just how _much_ they slept. How would he tend to the constantly evolving needs of a growing child?

“Maybe... Maybe this is for the best. I’m never around and... I don’t breathe. I’m not living. I don’t know how to care for a living thing and I honestly don’t have the _time_. Sorry for sounding like an ass here but My Lady’s beck and call is far more important than yours, Taako. Or any mortal’s, for that matter.”

There’s some nervous shuffling as everyone processes what’s been said and tries to think of what to say next (or how to leave in the least chaotic manner possible).

“So... you’re saying...” Magnus starts, all eyes on him. “Do you... Do you two want me around? To raise it?” He tacks on the last bit hastily, wondering how the two felt about him now. “Or them? Who knows, maybe we’ll end up with two so I can raise one and Kravitz can raise the other.” He tries to lighten the mood but the joke falls flat, Taako giving him a death glare.

“If I have to pop out _two_ bowling ball sized turd factories I’m magic missiling your ass into the sun.”

Long before all this, the three had an unspoken, budding ménage à trois. It was weak and it was delicate, and all it took was a few days apart to wash those feelings away. He didn’t know if they could grow again with the invisible cloud of obligation hanging over the three, but Magnus was nothing if not persistent.

“Even if I didn’t, I still gonna live with you.” Taako begins, only for Kravitz to elbow him and whisper in his ear. Based off Taako’s expression, Magnus gets a good idea of what the reaper’s said.

“We’ll... we’ll see what happens.” Kravitz says.

“You’re restarting that weird threeway thing again, aren’t you?” Merle interjects from in front of the booze cabinet. “At this rate I might as well move out and stop third wheeling.”

“As if you have anyone else to shack up with!” Taako yells.

”After seeing your dating drama, I’ve learned to keep my own a secret.” Merle pulls out a bottle of rum and muses about what to use as a mixer.

 

The rest of the night is spent hounding Merle about his mystery beau and speculating about their identity until the dwarf locks himself in his room. Magnus ends up passing out on the couch with a theory on his lips, and a virgin margarita and twin gin and tonics on the table.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy to announce everything up to the epilogue has been written and the winners of the naming contest are QIN and SHOSHANAFICS. Please submit your requests in the comments of this chapter and I will write and release them after the final chapter is posted.


	13. Dawn of A New Day (Help Me Show Off These Turds)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that writing this story has been an incredible personal joy and the outpour of support and love I've gotten has been instrumental in the breakneck speed it was written at. Thank you all for reading!

Magnus hums as he cooks several months later in the heat of summer (at least for those planetside).The Bureau of Balance moonbase didn’t have the best heating system; oxygen was rationed, thus striking out most fire and gas based methods, and asking all the spellcasters to waste several slots a day just to keep the entire base room temperature was out of the question. That meant Magnus could cook with a cast iron pan and a burner all year long. It certainly beat racing the sun to scramble eggs or eating nothing but raw food until midnight planetside.

  
He starts mumbling some half remembered lyrics and putting the finishing touches on eggs benedict for Taako and Merle to split while he’s out jogging when he hears a familiar ripping sound.

  
The first time Kravitz teleported into their suite after the big reveal Magnus ended up paralyzed by uncertainty and dancing around him like a middle schooler with a crush. Today, Magnus just looks over at him and deadpans “I’m not making extra breakfast for you.”

  
“I don’t think you’ll have to.” Kravitz replies, rushing towards Taako’s room.

  
“What’s going on? Why didn’t Taako call me first?”

  
“I don’t know. But I do know that he -cryptically, I might add- said to ‘get ready’.” He slows and opens Taako’s door without a sound, peeking inside.

  
“‘Get ready’?” It clicks fairly quickly. “Oh... oh for fuck’s sake, couldn’t the kid wait until the afternoon?” Magnus shuts off all the burners and puts the finishing touches on breakfast.

  
“-I’m telling you, you don’t have to rush. This shit’s gonna take hours.” Taako walks out in an opalescent bathrobe and little else, swatting away his very concerned husband.

  
“But Taako, this is our _child_. Aren’t you worried?!”

  
“Worried that Merle’s gonna call dibs on breaky but... naw, not really.” He sits at the kitchen island and holds a hand out, waiting for a fork. "It’s summer solstice and a strawberry moon planetside. Maybe they were waiting for the most dramatic celestial moment to pop.”

  
“Considering the fact it’s... your kid, it fits.” Magnus is tempted to say ‘our’ kid, but the word still doesn’t feel right after months of watching Kravitz and Taako be happily married and wondering how he fits. It still doesn’t feel right after hand carving a crib for the child- his biological child.

  
“Yeah, yeah, gimme a damn fork before I go at this barehanded.” Taako reaches out and Magnus hands him the utensil, watching him stab into an eggs benedict and trying to eat it in one bite.

  
“Shouldn’t you be in the infirmary? Or something?" Kravitz asks. He’s about as far out of his element as he can be right now, neck deep in the domesticity of mortals and of the beginnings of a birth. He’s far more used to being on the other end of the lifespan.

  
“And spend seven hours getting fussed over by a bunch of dumb clerics? Listen, the less time in that eyesore of a place, the better. You’d better not drag me there ‘til I gotta clamp my knees together to keep this thing from splatting on the floor.

  
After a description like that, Mangus puts down his own fork and sighs, his appetite gone. “I wasn’t hungry anyway.”

  
The other two fathers-to-be end up watching Taako stuff his face until Magnus gets the brilliant idea to wake Merle. He opens the door with Kravitz at his side and light spills over the snoozing man, country music faintly playing in the background. (Half his stuff is missing and they all know it’s at his mystery beau’s place.)

  
“This was your idea, you go wake him.” Kravitz whispers behind Magnus.

  
“You’re quieter, go over there and wake him. I’m not stepping on his favorite Kenny Chesney CD or something.”

  
“Aren’t you a rogue?!” The reaper whisper-yells. “You should be a master at this!”

  
“Can’t you turn into fog or sea foam or something and go over there?!” Magnus whispers back.

  
“I’m a reaper, not a vampire!”

  
“Oh, _bullshit!_! When I met you, you were a gigantic crystal golem.”

  
“That was different, there was crystal around for me to inhabit! I’m not going to fling my soul into Merle’s dirty laundry and end up with a skid mark for a face!”

  
Magnus bursts into laughter just as Merle groans awake and rolls over, grabbing his glasses and glaring at the two men arguing like schoolboys in his doorway. “It’s five am and you’d better have a _damn good_ reason for waking me up.”

  
The two are stunned into silence for several seconds, then Taako speaks up. “The kid’s coming! It’s not coming like a bullet train, though, I don’t know why they’re panicking!"

  
“Well, neither do I!” Merle yells and grabs a shirt off the ground, pulling it on. “Stinkin’... actin’ like ...” He slips into Dwarvish for the rest of his tirade, muttering insults pointed at the two and wishing he could have a few more hours of sleep. “Well? Don’t you two have some prep work to do?”

  
“Sort... of?” Magnus says. Taako didn’t prepare anything but spells and Magnus had a habit of rushing in, leaving Kravitz as the real planner of the group.

  
“I’ve had a bag stashed under the cradle for months, in case you’ve forgotten.”

  
“See? This is why I married you! Not just because you’ve got an ass like a peach!” Taako yells as the reaper turns beet red.

* * *

 

In the end, Taako holds out for only an hour before screaming at the other three to rush him to the infirmary and begging for every painkiller on the moon.

 

* * *

 

Taako, still woozy from a triple dose of painkillers, looks from the ceiling to the newborn currently writhing on his chest.

Maybe it was a bad idea to ‘let it be a surprise’. He honestly expected the only surprise to be what junk his kid got saddled with. Not that it mattered, as Taako knew firsthand. If he’d sat down just a few hours ago and listed all the things he didn’t expect his child to be, this would be at the very, very, very bottom of his list.

He looks from the fidgeting baby on his chest to the much calmer one being held by his husband, Kravitz.

“Twins.”

“Hmm?” The reaper’s head shoots up.

“I still can’t believe it’s fucking _twins_. Where’s my Umbra staff? I gotta Magic Missile Magnus’ ass. He said it might be twins and he jinxed it. It was one kid until he said that then they- what’s the word when something splits in two?”

“Bisect?”

“Naw... like... Duplicated! That’s the word! Magnus said the word ‘twins’ and the single slice fucker duplicated itself out of spite.”

“That’s a... very interesting theory, Taako. And the exact reason Merle hid your Umbra staff, I imagine.” Kravitz adjusted the blanket wrapped around the newborn in his lap.

“Naw. I said I wanted to intimidate all the clerics into giving me higher doses and he locked Umby away.”

“Umby?"

“Umbra staff. Umby. Shut up, it’s my stuff so I’ll nickname it as I please.”

“Speaking of names...”

“Oh shit, yeah! Get Maggie in here!”

Taako sits up taller, the infant still sucking on his finger.

“Are you letting him name one?”

“No. I mean... I feel like an ass for not letting him slap a name on his crotchfruit but he did make me suffer through seven hours of pain That’s eight more hours than I’d prefer. He can... uh, approve names."

“Alright. Take Yu- Take this one.” Kravitz hands over the calmer infant.

“Yu-? You already thought of a name, didn’t you?”

“Er, well, I’ve had some free time and I got some inspiration from-”

“Inspo from what? You better not be naming my kid after a lich, handsome.”

“My Lady’s breath, no. I was looking at my old music collection and I recently got back into Yusef Lateef’s work.”

“Yusef?” Taako takes a look at the wrinkly newborn tucked under his arm.

“Yusef Taz... I like it.”

“I assume we’re just using that middle name for both?”

“Hey, maybe I can wrangle another six months of freebies out of The Director.” He shoots Kravitz a grin as he walks out.

* * *

 Merle, Angus, Carey, and Killian wait diligently beside Magnus in the visitor’s section, eager to hear the news. Carey is holding a big, fat bouquet of flowers for the new parents. Killian is holding a big, fat bottle of vodka for the new parents. 

“Magnus?” The man shoots to his feet when Kravitz calls his name. ”Come with me.”

* * *

The first words out of his mouth when he sees the children, _his_ _children_ , are “Red hair. Oh my god... They’ve got red hair.”

“And they’ve got birthmarks on their asscheeks shaped like a sun.” Taako grins and attempts to unbundle the still unnamed child, only to trigger another fit of crying when the cold air hits their tiny body. “Ah... beans. I’ll show you later.” Taako tries to wrap them back up until Magnus comes to the rescue and swaddles the newborn.

“We had ideas for names, but since you’re... involved we wanted your final approval.” Kravitz explains. “I wanted to call the one Taako’s holding ‘Yusef’, what do you think?”

“Yusef?” Magnus says dreamily, staring at the child in his arms like they’re made of gold and stardust. It’s very... you. Fancy and with an air of dignity around it.”

“Yeah, since ‘Burrito’ and ‘Chimi’ got shot down I was thinking... Kesadiya.” Both men look at him quizzically.

“Do you...?” Kravitz looked at Magnus, silently hoping he disapproved.

“What about ‘Lulu’?”

“I.... think Kesadiya is a perfectly good name.” Magnus says.”But don’t elves rename themselves at 100 years?”

“Eh, the tradition’s falling by the wayside. Too many wannabes picking shit names.”

“You don’t say...” Both men think it, but Magnus says it.

“Go fuck yourself, Burnsides. And someone take the kid, I gotta pee.” 

Taako holds up Yusef just in time for Kravitz to sweep in. A few seconds later, the two are left alone with their children in hand.

“So...” Magnus starts.

“This is... it. They’re here. And... they’re definitely yours.”

“Do you think he’s listening?” Magnus looks at the bathroom door.

“I wouldn’t doubt it.”

“I still wanna say I’m sorry for this mess, for- for ‘taking’ your kid-”

“You can’t take something that would _never_ be mine to begin with, Magnus. I don’t bear any ill will towards you. We... We were together, all three of us. We knew there was a fraction of a chance this would happen... not that we expected it to come to fruition.”

“Still... You’re... you two are so much closer to each other than I’ll ever get.”

“Burnsides, stop that thought right there. If I wasn’t holding a baby I’d be slapping you right now. You- you mortals tend to take the time you have for granted. And you have a lot more than you think-”

“You’re an elf and an immortal, why get close to me if I’ll die in a flash?"

Kravitz gently sets down the child in his arms, looking into Magnus’ eyes as intensely as he can. “Even if I only had one more day with you before you were shipped off to the astral plane, I’d try to fall as deeply in love with you as I could, Magnus. That spark when all three of us were together was intoxicating. I want that back. But without this... guilt and obligation that’s hanging over you for months. You didn’t take anything from us. It’s been... difficult, and we didn’t expect it to happen, but you’ve given us all a gift. And I want to enjoy it with you as long as I can. Now put down Kesadiya and kiss me." 

Magnus can’t comply fast enough, setting Kesadiya down beside their twin and pulling Kravitz in. He nearly drowns the other in his arms and his kiss, only pulling away when he’s on the edge of turning blue. (Damn immortals, holding their breath for hours on end. At least the oral was good.)

Taako is smirking in the bathroom doorway when the two finally break the kiss, their cheeks burning and spittle connecting their lips. “So you _do_ like the name. Now get everyone in here, already. I wanna show off the little turds.”

 


End file.
